What Would Dad Say » Work-related

How To Think Like a Pro Twitterer, et al

wwds — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:30:03 +0000

Ed. Note. This is a takeoff of Nicholas Bate’s How To Think Like series on his blog here. I asked Nick if I could use his idea and he graciously agreed. This could be a meme so feel free to come up with your own series of HOW TO THINK LIKE posts, just link to Nick and me, if you would be so kind. Here are a few of Nick’s.

How To Think Like a Pro Twitterer

1. Me

2. Me

3. Me

4. RT especially if really about Me

5. Me, ask for RT

6. Me

7. Join my affiliate group so all of us can talk about me

How To Think Like a Poet

by GLH –special for Alice Shapiro Poetry blog here

1. Not too obvious
2. Why am I thinking limericks?
3. Oh, look at the way that ant is moving.
4. What rhymes with Shania Twain?
5. Mom, Dad I did another one!!
6. Just for me.
7. You want to publish?
8. Really? Really?

How to Think Like a Kansan

by GLH

1. Flat

2. Flat.

3. Flat.

4. Straight.

5. There’s the tree.

6. Flat.

7. There’s the lake.

8. Dorothy

How to think like a Californian:

by Conrad Hake, his blog is Here.

1. Nice day!

2. Wow, we’re out of money.

3. Wow, we’re out of water.

4. Wow, they had to shut down the Salmon fishing.

5. Wow, the legislature couldn’t legislate their way out of a wet paper bag!

6. Wow, we’re out of money.

7. Jeez, this sushi tastes good.

8. Good wine.

9. Nice day!

How to Think Like an Unemployable Loser

by Karla Porter, her blog is here.

1. I’ll collect until the checks almost run out.
2. I’ll photocopy my resume and send it everywhere.
3. Cover letters are old fashioned.
4. I’ll just look on Internet Job Boards.
5. Before we get started, how much does it pay?
6. I need to leave an hour early on Tuesdays I’m on the dart league
7. Hello unemployment office… I need to file for an extension.

How to Think Like Samuel Halpern (the dad behind @shitmydadsays)

by GLH

1. My feet

2. My back

3. Fuck you

4. No, really.

5. I worked for this?

6. Let me tell what I think

7. Just shut the fuck up

How to Think like a Deer Hunter in Michigan (while in the blind)

by Erin Kennedy, Executive Resume

1. Any minute now. I’m ready.

2. Any minute now. Wait… did I just hear something? Freeze.

3. Any minute now.

4. Hmmm. Hmmm. Mmm. (humming Hawaii 5-0 sound track in head)

5. “Hey, lemme borrow them nail clippers.”

6. Any minute now.

7. “Yes, honey (whispering). Deer everywhere. Shhh. Will call you later.”

8. Any minute now.

9. Will just rest my eyes for a second.

How to think like a Kansas Citian in Winter

by Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter, MRW, Careertrend.net

1. Where did summer go? #*%$@.
2. Those frickin’ leaves are everywhere – call Billy to rake’m up.
3. We’re not waitin’ any longer to move to Florida.
4. I hate winter. brown, brown, gray, frigid, sleet, gray, brown.
5. I’m so S.A.D.D..
6. Bookin’ a flight to Key West..
7. Yeah – Key West in February
8. Honey, let’s sell off everything and move to FL.
9. Yeah – we have a plan; we’re movin’ to FL; NO MORE Kansas City Winters.

How to think like a dog

by Dawn Bugni, of The Write Solution

1. I’m on the couch. Think they’ll notice?

2. Time for a nap.

3. What was that? Bark, bark, chase, bark.

4. Time for a nap.

5. Is that a stick? Please throw it. Please. Please. Please. You threw it. You go get it.

6. Nap time.

7. Lick. Lick. Lick … because I can.

8. Did you say biscuit?

9. Ahhhhhh. Nap in the sunshine.

How to think like an impaired (from chronic illness that waxes and wanes unpredictably) employee who wants to keep the job:

Rosalind Joffe, @workswithillness and ChronicIllness

1. I can get this done but I only if we can push the deadline — from 11:00pm tonight (requiring me to work a 15 hour day) to 5:00pm tomorrow.

2. Thanks for asking how I’m feeling today. Happy I had yesterday not an issue today.

3. You think you’re helping by not promoting me, but you’re not. My evaluations,”excellent to superior”, mean I’m a good candidate for promotion. I’m not worried – and neither are my mother or my doctor Why are you?

4. I like my job but some days my body/mind/spirit aren’t in agreement. When I feel like crap, I hate dealing with my stupid boss and demanding co-workers.Yup.

5.Working, with chronic illness, is really, really hard. But the alternative is worse.

The Narcissitic Blogger AKA Comment Whore

wwds — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:14:49 +0000

Who Says Twitter Doesn’t Pay

wwds — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:44:03 +0000

Ed. Note: News Flash. Seriously. This happened. Really. Way. To. Go. Justin.

Justin is on the right, and his dad, Samuel, is on the left.

By Nellie Andreeva for The Live Feed

Twitter sensation Shit My Dad Says is headed to television.

CBS has picked up a comedy project based on the Twitter account, which has enlisted more than 700,000 followers since launching in August and has made its creator, Justin Halpern, an Internet star.

“Will & Grace” creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are on board to executive produce and supervise the writing for the multicamera family comedy, which Halpern will co-pen with Patrick Schumacker. Halpern and Schumacker will also co-exec produce the Warner Bros. TV-produced project, which has received a script commitment.

The comedy’s title will change if it gets on the air.

Halpern, 29, had moved back in with his parents in San Diego, and on Aug. 3 he launched “Shit My Dad Says,” a Twitter feed featuring colorful — often profane — comments and pearls of wisdom made by his 73-year-old father during their daily conversations.

“Remember this: you’re just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it’s not.”about 20 hours ago from web

“You look just like Stephen Hawking…Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?… Fine. Forget I said it.”3:36 PM Nov 9th from web

“Mom and I saw a great movie last night…No, don’t remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks.”2:30 PM Nov 7th from web

“Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.”12:40 PM Nov 4th from web

“I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”1:27 PM Nov 3rd from web

“Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”10:44 AM Nov 1st from web

“Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”12:11 PM Oct 29th from web

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”3:39 PM Oct 28th from web

“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”12:46 PM Oct 26th from web

“I need to change clothes? Wow. That’s big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn’s.”3:43 PM Oct 24th from web

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”11:51 AM Oct 22nd from web

“You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”12:53 PM Oct 20th from web

“Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.”2:59 PM Oct 18th from web

“I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”12:11 PM Oct 16th from web

“Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?…No, I’m not gonna make a joke. I’ll let your mirror do that.”11:15 AM Oct 14th from web

“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”11:10 AM Oct 12th from web

“Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”12:41 PM Oct 10th from web

“I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.”11:13 AM Oct 8th from web

“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed…What’s Footloose?…That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”12:57 PM Oct 6th from web

“Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”12:03 PM Oct 5th from we

10 Ways You Can Improve Your Website for Boomers

wwds — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:50:31 +0000

Ed. Note. Sure, these are not new. Maybe. Consider it a reminder, then.
1.    Use bigger fonts. Not ginormous ones, just slightly bigger.
2.    Use black fonts. We can’t read orange, or faint fonts either. Just you wait.
3.    We all have ADD. Just remember that.
4.    We all have ADD. Just remember that!!
5.    On your order page, or checkout page, have a number to call when we have trouble. “Confused, something wrong? Call now:555-555-5555.” Here’s the deal, if this results in way too many calls for you to handle, doesn’t it say something about your order form, etc?
6.    Make it REALLY obvious how to get in touch with you. Don’t hide your contact information with small type on some nav bar. And please list your address and phone number, and anything else you think I might like to know about you.
7.    We spend, like, 10 seconds on your first screen when we get there. Do I understand what it is you do?
8.    Don’t trick me. Ever. Don’t give me something for free, then ask for my credit card, you know, for security or some other bullshit reason.
9.    Please don’t make me sign in again. I don’t know the stats here, but trust me…this is a big time, clickaway issue.
10.    We are impatient. Way. We hate movie lines, long power points and commercials. Fast loading is important. Instant is even better.

Next: 10 Things You Can Do to Actually Sell More From Your Website

ShitForBrainsJobBoards. Just Stop.

wwds — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:23:58 +0000

I’m pissed.

Seriously. What does it take? What DOES it take?

I mean, we know how to help job seekers. Yet, ShitForBrainsJobBoards continue to “help” jobseekers by showing old jobs, out of date jobs, scam jobs, postal jobs which are jobs you have to buy application forms yeah right, duplicate jobs and the list of crappy things they do goes on and on and on. Your favorite ShitForBrainsJobBoard is still out promoting hard, buying ads because they need you to stop by and get frustrated. YOU use it. Stop using them now.

Seriously.

They don’t care about your needing a job. They want your name. They want to sell your name to the highest bidder. They are database storage companies, not job helping services.

Stop using them. If you are in HR, particularly, stop using them. They hurt the very people you want to bring into your business. Why pay ShitForBrains any more? It just encourages them.

Like you maybe in your own business, we have a fantastic product that needs a breakthrough….clickwise, buzzwise, internets-wise,…you know what I mean. We don’t have ShitForBrains’ money to buy traffic. But you know, 10,000 at a time, LINKUP’s traffic is building and building. Baby incremental steps, all good. But we could help so many more people, if they just knew about LINKUP. This is your part.

What is encouraging is who LOVES LinkUp besides me and mine. I know dozens of career coaches and counselors, God love ‘em, they tell clients ALL THE TIME about LInkUp. So do career centers all over the frickincountry. So do my friends in the resumewriting community. So do thousands and thousands of job seekers who regularly use LINKUP to find jobs ONLY from company websites. You know what it’s like? It’s like being Zappos but no one tells anyone else because they are afraid they will run of shoes. People! Tell your friends about LinkUp.

But…here is something interesting…those same job seekers sortakinda hope you don’t find out about LINKUP. They don’t want the competition for the jobs, about 70% of which on LINKUP are never advertised elsewhere. But, no matter where you live, or what your skill, there are jobs out there for you. We have over 20,000 companies now up on LINKUP and growing daily. Jobs, jobs, jobs…all for you to find…before anyone else. It’s like getting access to personal memos from inside the company who always lists ALL their job openings on their own websites FIRST.

Right now, when jobseekers send a resume to ShitForBrainsJobBoard advertisers, THEY DON”T HEAR BACK. What is the disconnect?

Just don’t buy the ShitForBrainsJobBoards nonsense. Use LinkUP, but even more better (sic), tell someone else….do your part to help the 10% of us who need a new job.

Pass it on.

Now Playing Through Your Office Sound System: The Temptations.

wwds — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:44:10 +0000

No, not these Temptations. The real temptations in an office. Jump over to US NEWS and WORLD REPORT to see the temptations I am talking about.

I Didn’t Even Know There Was a Bosses’ Day!!??!??@$$

wwds — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 05:11:37 +0000

I used to kid Joyce that her Secretary’s Day came, like, way more often than once a year. Seemed. She got all kinds of loot. Not me. No one celebrated a boss day where I worked, I mean no gifts, no money, no extra time off, no shoe shines, nothing. Hallmark didn’t get the word out, not one card. I think I got a Halloween card once.

In case any of ‘them’ are reading this and feeling guilty because they just ignored MY SPECIAL DAY, here are some ideas for nice gifts for yours truly. Note: Boss Day was today. No gifts, again. These ideas will have to wait for next year. Don’t forget. Note to self: new business idea, Gift Registry for Boss Day. Kidding.

1. Spa day. Suggested by @joblessmuse aka Barbara Winter, a friend from 30 years ago, at my first company. PS, her suggestion for HER. Last thing I would want/use.

2. Twitter account and new background. Suggested by @karla_porter, a social media expert from PA.

3. Race car driving lessons. Real race cars, up at Brainerd, not at some half assed go kart track either.

4. A ride with the Thunderbirds.

5. One day lesson by an Apple expert, who can teach slow learning baby boomer adults with ADD.

The Office of Innovation and Entrepreneurship

wwds — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:26:47 +0000

Ed. Note: I missed this announcement of a few weeks ago. I have yet to be contacted, btw. I have ideas.

WASHINGTON—U.S. Commerce Secretary Gary Locke announced today his plans to create a new Office of Innovation and Entrepreneurship within the Department of Commerce and launch a National Advisory Council on Innovation and Entrepreneurship. Both substantial new initiatives will help leverage the entire federal government on behalf of promoting entrepreneurship in America. The new office is expected to announce additional initiatives in the coming months.

The new Office of Innovation and Entrepreneurship, which will answer directly to the secretary, will be geared toward the first step in the business cycle: moving an idea from someone’s imagination, or from a research lab, into a business plan.

“We’re not lacking for groundbreaking ideas in this country; nor are we short on smart entrepreneurs willing to take risks,” Locke said at the Inc. 500/5000 Conference today. “What we need to do is get better at connecting the great ideas to the great company builders. And I think The Office of Innovation and Entrepreneurship is a big step in the right direction.”

The National Advisory Council on Innovation and Entrepreneurship will advise the Commerce Department on policy relating to building small businesses and help to keep the department engaged in a regular dialogue with the entrepreneurship and small business communities. The council is expected to be comprised of successful entrepreneurs, innovators, investors, non-profit leaders and other experts.

Here is what they hope to do:

Encouraging Entrepreneurs through Education, Training, and Mentoring. Nothing succeeds more than having a government worker explain business startup activity.
Improving Access to Capital. This is easy. If you invest in a newco, any profits/gains you take are tax-free.
Accelerating Technology Commercialization of Federal R&D. Maybe this should be the other way around. Federal should use more of what is developed. By small companies, NOT just the big guys.
Strengthening Interagency Collaboration and Coordination. Huh?
Providing Data, Research, and Technical Resources for Entrepreneurs. For free, right? Is there a form to fill out? How many pages?
Exploring Policy Incentives to Support Entrepreneurs and Investors. One good place to start, stop bashing successful business people, making them feel like second class citizens. My two cents.

Instead of spending $500 million on this idea, just give $100,000 to every proven entrepreneur you can find. Then disband the office.

Harry Potter vs Indiana Jones vs Brett Favre

wwds — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:57:20 +0000

Only one can throw deep.

Brett Favre, Nick Corcodilos and Seth Godin: Connect the Dots

wwds — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:33:54 +0000

You most likely saw the last minute or so of the Minnesota Vikings-San Francisco 49′ers game. You know, the one where Brett Favre threw a touchdown pass with two seconds left. Two seconds. It. Was. Amazing.

I used this game, and mostly the heroics of Brett Favre to write a blog post for US NEWS called “Lessons from Brett Favre.” I was contemplating calling it WHY YOU SHOULD HIRE OLD GUYS, but thought better of it. You can see the Five Lessons by reading here.

Luckily, Nick Corcodilos must be eating the same cheerios because his post today in his readers’ forum is a request to give better answers to the more experienced among us who find themselves unemployable or, at least, un-hireable. Timely.

I also want to re-direct you to Seth Godin’s guest post here on WWDS some time back which he called “Don’t Try to Get a Job.”

There is a connection in there, don’t you think?