Used to be, the only ones who got tips from me were waitresses who wore too-tight skirts. Yeah-yeah, 15% for good service, even though most of the time, they threw the shit food at me, nearly. Then, “good” got dumbed down, to mostly OK service; you’ve been there, an always empty water glass, surly looks, and grouchy women who hated to ’serve.’ My kids made me tip more, something about waitresses depending on my tips to “make it.” OK, I thought. My cheap-ass rep.

Then Starbucks came to town. Which, I am here to tell you, I predicted would never catch on. Who would pay $2 for coffee you can get at the office for free? Who knew?

And then, a few years back this mysterious tip jar appeared next to the cash register. It was always half-ful of money, too, and not just dimes and pennies. Dollar bills. The Starbucks girl, ’scuse me my ass, “the barista,” are you F kidding me?, looked like she just came from cheerleader practice and was working because mom and dad thought she should. She is the only waitress who can make a latte and text at the same time. She is making about $15 per hour because mom and dad kick some in, too, I just know it. And then, and then…it is not enough to charge me $5 for a cup of special sauced-up, soy-laced wussy drink that I am even embarrassed to order out loud “hold the umbrella!”…then I am nearly coerced into giving up all my change to that overflowing tip jar. The cute girl is trained to give me the bills back, hold the change as if to say “Mine? or Yours? Mine?” I donate the change, but God knows, it is not a tip.  It’s a bribe cuz I see what they do to your drink behind the counter over there, if they see you NOT tip.

But now, with this economy, I am buying my morning coffee at the SuperHolidayAmerica Store, 99 cents thankyouverymuch. The nice tattooed lady behind the counter is just glad to have a job, and does not expect me to tip HER.  She knows times are tough.

There is no tip jar, but if there were, there’d be slips of paper in there, saying “Hot TIp: JUMPING JACK FLASH” in the Fifth at The Meadowlands.  I could get behind tips like those.

How To Think Like a Geezer Bandit by GL Hoffman

1. GET OFF MY LAWN! ohsorry, GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

2. I figure jail will be better than that “Miracle Mile Retirement Home” my fricking kids are pushing

3. This oxygen tank is not as bad as my ‘roids. Good God.

4. I’ve been watching Daytime TV with Hilda. I just found my balls again.

5. Have you SEEN Hilda?

6. Look, the banks took money from the guvment, who took it from my pension, just taking what’s mine.

7. Madoff!

8. Hurry with the money! Hilda’s fricking I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP thing is buzzing in my pocket here.

9. Gosh darnit. They just don’t rob banks like they used to! When I was a boy, we didn’t use any of those sissy stockings on our heads! Real men show their faces. Like me. And I’ve worn a nice hat too. It’s my Volvo driving hat but I wear it for formal bank robberies too. contributed by @GayleHoward, an Australian blogger friend.

10.First of all, no one can take down this old fart? Serious?

For more information on what it means to be a rogue jump over to the piece on US News and World Report, by clicking here.

Congratulations Steve…keep it up.  PS: Don’t you ever die…or retire.  You make too many contributions by just doing what you are doing.

And, just for fun, I have an internet buddy who is Steve’s doppelganger.  Anyone know who this is?

It’s Brad Shorr of Words Sell, Inc, out of Chicago. You can find Brad here.

I have a lot of ideas around “How?” Not so many around “Why?”

Since the economy cratered last year many people, having been laid off, are starting their own companies. Bravo for them. The answer to their “Why?” was survival; no other jobs were available, so why not go for it?

I asked Seth Godin (Yes, that Seth Godin) to write a guest post for me about this process, about people creating jobs for themselves as opposed to finding one. He wrote an insightful post for my blog called DON’T EVEN TRY TO FIND A JOB. His main point was why not use this time, or these times, to get something started. Especially with the web, it is far easier to just try something. Fersure.

Here is a brief excerpt:

DON’T TRY TO GET A JOB

Don’t you dare.

There are a few reasons for this. The first is that the act of trying to get a job corrupts you. It pushes you to be average, to fit in and to do what you’re told.

The second is that this act moves the responsibility from you to that guy who didn’t hire you. It’s his fault. As soon as you start spending your day trying to please the guy, you’ve blown it.

The third is that the economy is terrible and the best jobs you’re going to get are lousy.

So, what should you do?

Today, right now, while the opportunity costs (look it up on Wikipedia) are the lowest they will ever be, go start something.

Start a business. A tiny one.

One guy I follow on Twitter said it best. “Why don’t we all just quit our jobs and sell Amway?” Indeed. Why not?

Although it doesn’t get at all of the issues of “Why?” the post I did sometime ago called “100 Lessons” might get at some of them, but from a different angle. I wrote that over a period of weeks as I was thinking about some of the things I have learned over a career of observing everything that happens inside a new startup. Even though it is a lengthy article, and most likely in need of some serious updating, it might help some folks who are making that Shall-I-or-Shall-I-Not decision. BTW, Guy Kawasaki liked the article enough to Twitter about it (but then again he tweets about EVERYTHING!!)

Here is Number 12 on the list:
12. Can you handle pressure? One thing you can depend upon is the amount of pressure you will be under. Some might be self-imposed, most will be from external sources. Sales people will want something easier to sell, investors want faster progress, others want more or less of this and that, and constantly. How you handle these pressures will go a long way to determine your success. Someone told me a long time ago, that my only job was “to make the comfortable, uncomfortable, and the uncomfortable, comfortable.” I think that pretty much sums up the new company leader’s most critical assignment.

But back to “Why?” It varies from IMPATIENCE to REVENGE. (Those who know, know what that means.) Truthfully, the reasons are many—what I would like to know is what do you think? Why do you think people start them? Any personal stories? Do you believe this Gruzzle is right?

One thing is clear: For every Steve Jobs, there are thousands of entrepreneurs who struggle every day.
One last word: Don’t do it only for the money.

Here are links to the posts by the collective. And on the bottom are all the participants. Please support them.

Meg Montford: Job Action Day: Finding Your “MOJO” After Layoff http://coachmeg.typepad.com/career_chaos/2009/10/job-action-day-finding-your-mojo-after-layoff.html

Debra Wheatman: Plan B from outer space; or what do you have in case your first plan doesn’t work out? http://resumesdonewrite.blogspot.com/2009/10/plan-b-from-outer-space-or-what-do-you.html

Heather Mundell: Green Jobs – What They Are and How to Find Them, http://dbcs.typepad.com/lifeatwork/2009/10/green-jobs-what-they-are-and-how-to-find-them.html

Erin Kennedy: Cutting Edge Job Search Blueprint http://exclusive-executive-resumes.com/resumes/job-search-blueprint/

Grace Kutney: Securing Your Career While Navigating the Winds of Change http://sweetcareers.blogspot.com/2009/10/securing-your-career-while-navigating.html

Hannah Morgan: Career Sherpa– Why Our Job Search Advice is the Same but Different http://hannahmorgan.typepad.com/hannah_morgan/2009/10/why-our-job-search-advice-is-the-same-but-different.html

Gayle Howard: The Enlightened Jobseeker http://www.theexecutivebrand.com/?p=500

Laurie Berenson: Making lemonade out of lemons: Turn unemployment into entrepreneurship http://blog.sterlingcareerconcepts.com/2009/10/30/making-lemonade-out-of-lemons-turn-unemployment-into-entrepreneurship.aspx

Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter: You Can Thrive In, Not Just Survive, an Economic Slogging http://careertrend.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/you-can-thrive-not-just-survive-an-economic-slogging/

Rosalind Joffe: Preparedness: It’s Not Just for Boyscouts http://workingwithchronicillness.com/2009/10/preparedness-its-not-just-for-boy-scouts/

Rosa E. Vargas: Are You Evolving Into The In-Demand Professional of Tomorrow? http://resume-writing.typepad.com/resume_writing_and_job_se/2009/10/furture-careers.html

Dawn Bugni: Your network IS your net worth http://thewritesolution.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/your-network-is-your-net-worth/

Miriam Salpeter: Optimize your job hunt for today’s economy http://www.keppiecareers.com/2009/10/30/optimize-your-job-hunt-for-todays-ecomony/

GL Hoffman: The Life of An Entrepreneur: Is It for You? http://blogs.jobdig.com/wwds/2009/10/30/the-life-of-an-entrepreneur-is-it-for-you/

Katharine Hansen: Job Action Day 09: His Resume Savvy Helped New Career Rise from Layoff Ashes http://www.resumesandcoverletters.com/tips_blog/job_action_day_09_his_resume_s.html

Martin Buckland: Job Search–The Key to Securing Your Future Career. http://aneliteresume.com/job-search/the-key-to-securing-your-future-career/

Chandlee Bryan: Where the Green Jobs Are: http://emergingprofessional.typepad.com/the_emerging_professional/2009/11/where-the-green-jobs-are.html

Heather R. Huhman, Take Action: 10 Steps for Landing an Entry-Level Job, http://www.heatherhuhman.com/2009/10/take-action/

Barbara Safani: Where the Jobs Are 2009 and Beyond: http://www.careersolvers.com/blog/?p=1301&preview=true

Here are the participants in the Career Collective:

Co-Organizers

Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter is a Master Resume Writer and owner of Career Trend. She composes career positioning documents for forward thinking executives/professionals. Her chief concern is to unearth and translate your value into words. http://careertrend.wordpress.com/ on Twitter: @valueintowords.

Miriam Salpeter, owner of Keppie Careers, is a job search coach and resume writer with over 12 years of experience encouraging, enlightening and empowering job seekers. She authors a highly regarded blog at www.keppiecareers.com and is well known as a top resource for job seekers on Twitter: @keppie_careers.

Members

Laurie Berenson, owner of Sterling Career Concepts, LLC, is a Certified Professional Resume Writer who guides her clients through resume development, job search strategy, and career progression. http://blog.sterlingcareerconcepts.com/ on Twitter: @LaurieBerenson.

Chandlee Bryan, founder and owner of Best Fit Forward, is a resume writer and job search strategist. A former Ivy League Career Services Director, Chandlee also leads the NYC Job Seekers MeetUp, a Manhattan based group of over 850 individuals (www.meetup.com/nycjobseekers). www.bestfitforward.com on Twitter: @chandlee.

Dawn Bugni, Certified Professional Resume Writer and owner of The Write Solution, creates compelling career documents helping clients find their professional bliss. She offers up a healthy dose of job search reality during the resume creation process and tempers the challenges of the search with honesty, a quick wit and a touch of humor. Dawn’s Blog. On Twitter: @dawnbugni.

Megan Fitzgerald is an expat career and personal branding coach and owner of Career By Choice. She helps expatriate professionals and entrepreneurs use their personal brand on and offline to build a career or business that fits them and their international lifestyle. http://www.careerbychoiceblog.com on Twitter: @expatcoachmegan.

Katharine Hansen, associate publisher and creative director at Quintessential Careers, is a writer, educator, blogger, social-media junkie, career practitioner and a leading proponent of storytelling for career advancement. http://katharinehansenphd.com on Twitter: @kat_hansen.

GL Hoffman, chairman of LINKUP and author of What Would Dad Say, is an entrepreneur, business leader and friend to many. www.whatwoulddadsay.com on Twitter: @glhoffman.

Gayle Howard, owner of Top Margin Career Marketing Group is a Master Resume Writer, Certified Expert Resume Writer, Reach Certified Personal Branding Strategist, author and multiple TORI Award Winner providing bold, authentic, audacious career branding for next generation executives. Gayle’s Blog. On Twitter: @gaylehoward.

Heather R. Huhman is a career expert and founder/president of Come Recommended. She specializes in working with Generation Y. You can read her personal blog at HeatherHuhman.com or follow her on Twitter at @HeatherHuhman.

Rosalind Joffe, founder and president of http://cicoach.com, is a chronic illness career coach with 10 years of experience working with people with chronic illness to find and keep jobs that they can thrive in. She blogs at Working With Chronic Illness and is on Twitter at: @WorkWithIllness.

Erin Kennedy, CPRW, is the President of Professional Résumé Services and has been writing power-packed executive level résumés since 1999. To read more about Erin and her services, visit http://exclusive-executive-resumes.com or follow Erin on Twitter: @erinkennedycprw.

Grace Kutney is a career development professional with 11+ years experience in career advising. She operates Sweet Careers, a not-for-profit website and career consulting service offering free career and job search advice to college students and recent grads. On Twitter: @sweetcareers.

Meg Montford, owner of Abilities Enhanced, is a Master Certified Career Coach and Career Management Fellow who motivates and supports executives and professionals while they work to achieve radical career changes. http://www.coachmeg.typepad.com/career_chaos/ on Twitter: @KCCareerCoach.

Hannah Morgan is a Career Sherpa, a guide for lifetime career navigation. She writes and speaks on topics related to career management and is recognized for her energetic, compassionate and no non-sense style for conveying information. http://hannahmorgan.typepad.com/hannah_morgan/ on Twitter: @careersherpa.

Heather Mundell is a life and career coach and owner of Dream Big Coaching Services. A former HR director, Heather helps professionals make key career decisions that fit who they are and what they want. http://dbcs.typepad.com. On Twitter: @heathermundell.

J.T. O’Donnell is a nationally syndicated career expert, author and founder of the top-rated career site for young professionals, ages 18-40, CAREEREALISM.com. She can be found on Twitter: @jtodonnell and by e-mail over at www.careerealism.com.

Andy Robinson is CEO & Executive Career Coach at CRG Leadership Institute LLC. His passion is helping business professionals love what they do for a living and achieve lasting career success. Blogsite: www.AndyRobinsonCoach.com. He also co-hosts the Career Success Show on Exceptional Wisdom Radio. Twitter: @AndyinNaples.

Barbara Safani, owner of Career Solvers, has 15 years of experience in career management, recruiting and executive coaching. Barbara partners with companies and individuals to deliver targeted career and job search strategy programs. She is a author of Happy About My Resume: 50 Tips for Building a Better Document to Secure a Brighter Future.
For career advice, visit her blog and follow her on @barbarasafani.

Rosa Elizabeth Vargas is Owner of Creating Prints Resume Service and is a triple-certified writer (MRW) Master Resume Writer, (NCRW) Nationally Certified Resume Writer and (ACRW) Academy Certified Resume Writer. For over seven years, Rosa has been helping careerist by equipping them with powerful career marketing tools that steer job search campaigns. http://resume-writing.typepad.com on Twitter: @resumeservice.

Do you have a grandparent like this? A middle aged friend of mine recently visited her 90-year-old grandma in a local nursing home. “Oh my God,” Grandma said. “What happened to you? You’re so fat.”

The older we get, the less we can count on the filtering system that allows us to think before we speak. It becomes—like standing up straight or smooth skin—just a fond memory. Like Grandma, or my Uncle Curly, older folks start saying what they want because, in their minds, it sure makes sense.  For us, it is entertainment–”Did you hear Uncle Curly at Thanksgiving??”

Every day, those of us who have not yet reached that age bracket fight this filter battle. Do we not? For example, you’re thinking jerk when the boss stops by, but you are perfectly nice and smiley. “Everything is fine,” I tell the waiter, when my eggs were cold enough to cool my coffee.

Even kids learn how to do this. Who among us didn’t try the old, “My dog ate my homework,” excuse? We also learned our lesson—after being embarrassed in front of our fifth grade class, including little Suzie with the really cute smile. We learn that the things that sound so good in our minds need to be filtered a bit. We must ask: How will this play? Does this pass the smell test? What will others say? Do we care? Should I think a bit more about this excuse or this thought?

So, now we come to the airline pilots who missed Minneapolis by 150 miles. At first, they said they were arguing over airline policies. Ohreally?

Now, they say they were on their laptops checking out their schedules. (I see. And everyone can identify with spending too much time on the ‘puter. )

I think it is cute to visit Uncle Curly just to see what the heck he will say. His filter is broken, and so what?

Somehow it is less cute when airline pilots don’t know better.

This was circulated in email at work, from United Technologies corporate. It is a quick “trip report” from the pilot of the 747 that flew the shuttle back to Florida after the Hubble repair flight. A humorous and interesting inside look at what it’s like to fly two aircraft at once . . .

Well, it’s been 48 hours since I landed the 747 with the shuttle Atlantis on top and I am still buzzing from the experience. I have to say that my whole mind, body and soul went into the professional mode just before engine start in Mississippi, and stayed there, where it all needed to be, until well after the flight…in fact, I am not sure if it is all back to normal as I type this email. The experience was surreal. Seeing that “thing” on top of an already overly huge aircraft boggles my mind. The whole mission from takeoff to engine shutdown was unlike anything I had ever done. It was like a dream…someone else’s dream.

We took off from Columbus AFB on their 12,000 foot runway, of which I used 11,999 1/2 feet to get the wheels off the ground. We were at 3,500 feet left to go of the runway, throttles full power, nose wheels still hugging the ground, copilot calling out decision speeds, the weight of Atlantis now screaming through my fingers clinched tightly on the controls, tires heating up to their near maximum temperature from the speed and the weight, and not yet at rotation speed, the speed at which I would be pulling on the controls to get the nose to rise. I just could not wait, and I mean I COULD NOT WAIT, and started pulling early. If I had waited until rotation speed, we would not have rotated enough to get airborne by the end of the runway.

So I pulled on the controls early and started our rotation to the takeoff attitude. The wheels finally lifted off as we passed over the stripe marking the end of the runway and my next hurdle (physically) was a line of trees 1,000 feet off the departure end of Runway 16. All I knew was we were flying and so I directed the gear to be retracted and the flaps to be moved from Flaps 20 to Flaps 10 as I pulled even harder on the controls.

I must say, those trees were beginning to look a lot like those brushes in the drive through car washes so I pulled even harder yet! I think I saw a bird just fold its wings and fall out of a tree as if to say “Oh just take me”. Okay, we cleared the trees, duh, but it was way too close for my laundry.

As we started to actually climb, at only 100 feet per minute, I smelled something that reminded me of touring the Heineken Brewery in Europe …I said “is that a skunk I smell?” and the veterans of shuttle carrying looked at me and smiled and said “Tires”! I said “TIRES? OURS?” They smiled and shook their heads as if to call their Captain an amateur…okay, at that point I was. The tires were so hot you could smell them in the cockpit. My mind could not get over, from this point on, that this was something I had never experienced. Where’s your mom when you REALLY need her?

The flight down to Florida was an eternity. We cruised at 250 knots indicated, giving us about 315 knots of ground speed at 15,000′. The miles didn’t click by like I am use to them clicking by in a fighter jet at MACH .94. We were burning fuel at a rate of 40,000 pounds per hour or 130 pounds per mile, or one gallon every length of the fuselage. The
vibration in the cockpit was mild, compared to down below and to the rear of the fuselage where it reminded me of that football game I had as a child where you turned it on and the players vibrated around the board. I felt like if I had plastic clips on my boots I could have vibrated to any spot in the fuselage I wanted to go without moving my legs…and the noise was deafening.

The 747 flies with its nose 5 degrees up in the air to stay level, and when you bank, it
feels like the shuttle is trying to say “hey, let’s roll completely over on our back”..not a good thing I kept telling myself. SO I limited my bank angle to 15 degrees and even though a 180 degree course change took a full zip code to complete, it was the safe way to turn this monster.

Airliners and even a flight of two F-16s deviated from their flight plans to catch a glimpse of us along the way. We dodged what was in reality very few clouds and storms, despite what everyone thought, and arrived in Florida with 51,000 pounds of fuel too much to land with. We can’t land heavier than 600,000 pounds total weight and so we had to do
something with that fuel. I had an idea…let’s fly low and slow and show this beast off to all the taxpayers in Florida lucky enough to be outside on that Tuesday afternoon. So at Ormond Beach we let down to 1,000 feet above the ground/water and flew just east of the beach out over the water.

Then, once we reached the NASA airspace of the Kennedy Space Center , we cut over to the Banana/Indian Rivers and flew down the middle of them to show the people of Titusville , Port St.Johns and Melbourne just what a 747 with a shuttle on it looked like. We stayed at 1,000 feet and since we were dragging our flaps at “Flaps 5″, our speed was down to around 190 to 210 knots. We could see traffic stopping in the middle of roads to take a look. We heard later that a Little League Baseball game stop to look and everyone cheered as we became their 7th inning stretch. Oh say can you see…

After reaching Vero Beach , we turned north to follow the coast line back up to the Shuttle Landing Facility (SLF). There was not one person laying on the beach…they were all standing and waving! “What a sight” I thought…and figured they were thinking the same thing.

All this time I was bugging the engineers, all three of them, to re-compute our fuel and tell me when it was time to land. They kept saying “Not yet Triple, keep showing this thing off” which was not a bad thing to be doing. However, all this time the thought that the landing, the muscling of this 600,000 pound beast, was getting closer and closer to my reality. I was pumped up! We got back to the SLF and were still 10,000 pounds too heavy to land so I said I was going to do a low approach over the SLF going the opposite direction of landing traffic that day. So at 300 feet, we flew down the runway, rocking our wings like a whale rolling on its side to say “hello” to the people looking on! One turn out of traffic and back to the runway to land…still 3,000 pounds over gross weight limit. But the engineers agreed that if the landing were smooth, there would be no problem. “Oh thanks guys, a little extra pressure is just what I needed!”

So we landed at 603,000 pounds and very smoothly if I have to say so myself. The landing was so totally controlled and on speed, that it was fun. There were a few surprises that I dealt with, like the 747 falls like a rock with the orbiter on it if you pull the throttles off at the “normal” point in a landing and secondly, if you thought you could hold the nose off the ground after the mains touch down, think again…IT IS COMING
DOWN!!! So I “flew it down” to the ground and saved what I have seen in videos of a nose slap after landing. Bob’s video supports this!
Then I turned on my phone after coming to a full stop only to find 50 bazillion emails and phone messages from all of you who were so super to be watching and cheering us on! What a treat, I can’t thank y’all enough. For those who watched, you wondered why we sat there so long. Well, the shuttle had very hazardous chemicals on board and we had to be “sniffed” to determine if any had leaked or were leaking. They checked for Monomethylhydrazine (N2H4 for Charlie Hudson) and nitrogen tetroxide (N2O4). Even though we were “clean”, it took way too long for them to tow us in to the mate-demate
area. Sorry for those who stuck it out and even waited until we exited the jet.
I am sure I will wake up in the middle of the night here soon, screaming and standing straight up dripping wet with sweat from the realization of what had happened. It was a thrill of a lifetime. Again I want to thank everyone for your interest and support. It felt good to bring Atlantis home in one piece after she had worked so hard getting to the Hubble Space Telescope and back.

Triple Nickel
NASA Pilot”

Further Ed. Note–if you liked this, you might like to read about the coolest airplane ever, the SR-71.  Here is a pilot’s account of flying it.  The SR-71, Now that was some airplane.

1. Never mistake activity for achievement.

2. A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.

3. Ability is a poor man’s wealth.

4. Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.

5. Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

6. I’d rather have a lot of talent and a little experience than a lot of experience and a little talent.

7. Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.

8. It’s not so important who starts the game but who finishes it.

9. It isn’t what you do, but how you do it.

10. It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

11. Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.

12. Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.

Reading quotes is a proven way to give yourself a self-talk of positive energy.  Which is why some time ago, I left you with 80 quotes from football players and coaches.  So along with Coach Wooden, here is that list again.

1. Dick Butkus: “I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important like a league game or something.”

2. Jim Finks, when asked after a loss what he thought of the officiating: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy referees.”

3. Erma Bombeck: “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

4. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”

5. Arthur Marshall: “I would have thought that the knowledge that you are going to be leapt upon by half-a-dozen congratulatory, but sweaty team-mates would be inducement not to score a goal.”

6. Dave Barry: “I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and – this always amazes me – not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a “good hit,” which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player’s body.”

7. Unknown: “One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured.”

8. Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

9. Mary McGrory: “Baseball is what we were. Football is what we have become.”

10. Terrell Owens, of the San Francisco 49ers, was asked for one word to describe himself. He said “confident.” When asked for another word he said “very.”

11. Tim Green: “Let’s face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis.”

12. Frank Gifford: “Pro Football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.”

13. Big Daddy Lipscomb: “I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel ‘em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him I keep.”

14. Heywood Hale Broun: “Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.”

15. George Will: “Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.”

16. Steve Henderson: “I’d catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL.”

17. Arnold Mandell: “Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time.”

18. Tony Kornheiser: “Men are clinging to football on a level we aren’t even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It’s our Alamo.”

19. Phyllis Diller: “The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

20. George Rogers: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

21. Doug Plank: “Most football teams are temperamental. That’s 90% temper and 10% mental.”

22. Chuck Mills: “When it comes to football, God is prejudiced – toward big, fast kids.”

23. Luke Salisbury: “Watching football is like watching pornography. There’s plenty of action, and I can’t take my eyes off it, but when it’s over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it.”

24. Unknown: “The game of life is a lot like football. You tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”

25. Sue Lawley: “American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party.”

26. Frank Middleton, Oakland Raiders; prior to Super Bowl XXXVII he was asked what was the best thing his ex-head coach Jon Gruden (now the Tampa Bay head coach and his opponent in the Super Bowl) did for the Oakland Raiders. Frank said: “Leave.”

27. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

28. Terry Bradshaw: “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.”

29. Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player : “Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately.”

30. Elbert Hubbard: “College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.”

there are 50 more after the jump

31. Randy Cross: “The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.”

32. Merle Kessler: “Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.”

33. Joe Jacoby: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl”
Matt Millen: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too.”

34. Blackie Sherrod, on an auto wreck involving hard-living quarterback Bobby Layne: “After indulging is some heavy, late-night research with some scholarly friends, Bobby was driving back to his hotel, innocently enough, when he was side-swiped by several empty cars lurking at curbside.”

35. Duffy Daugherty: “A tie is like kissing your sister.”

36. Jeff Kemp: “Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and I’ll throw it as far as I can’?”

37. President Gerald Ford: “I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today.”

38. Emmitt Smith, when asked about new Cowboy coach Bill “The Big Tuna” Parcells: “I have not talked to him, but I have been eating a lot of tuna.”

39. Jim Brosnahan, the defense attorney representing the city of Oakland in the NFL team’s suit against the city of Oakland, after a couple of lively courtroom exchanges between Brosnahan and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, this exchange took place in court: BROSNAHAN-”Would it be fair to say you turned around the Raiders in the 1960s?” DAVIS-”You’re being too kind to me.” BROSNAHAN-”It won’t last. Let’s enjoy the moment.”

40. Conan O’Brien, on the NFL starting its own cable network: This is good because up until now, the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of the NFL players was Court TV.”

41. Erma Bombeck: “If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

42. George Will: “Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.

43. Deacon Jones: “I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing.”

44. Max McGee: “When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”

45. Pressbox Maxim: “Playing football in the morning is like eating cabbage for breakfast.”

46. Tex Schramm, responding to holdout running back’s description of him as “sick and demented and dishonest”, Schramm replied laughing: “That’s not bad. He got two out of three right.”

47. Jason Taylor, on why he presented the whole Miami Dolphins locker room with a gift box of of products from one of his sponsors, Neutrogena: “To rectify some of the ugliness going on in this locker room.”

48. Randy Moss, explaining the no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral to Moe Williams for a 59-yard touchdown: “It’ a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often.”

49. Rod Smith, when asked if he had ever seen a similar play to the Randy Moss to Moe Williams, no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral play: “Yeah, on PlayStation.”

50. Bill Curry: “He’s a leading leader on this football team.”

51. Leroy Hoard, describing his running style: “You need two yards, I’ll get you three. You need 10 yards, I’ll get you three.”

52. Ray Lewis: “Pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts.”

53. Gary Anderson, FG kicker,: “One thing I’ve learned over the years is sometimes if you make kicks early in the game, you don’t have to make them late.”

54. Phil Simms, remarking on how underdogs never give up hope in football games: “I remember one time, playing for the Giants, when we were playing the unbeatable Dallas Cowboys, they were 8 and 1.”

55. Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: “If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?”

56. Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: “Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point.”

57. John Romano, St. Petersburg Times reporter, commenting on Big East Conference Commissioner Mike Tranghese’s belief that the BCS only needs to be tweaked: “This is like a man who, day after day, steps in a puddle of mud. Instead of looking for a new route, he seeks a better polish for his shoes.”

58. Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different attitudes in the future.: “Twenty years from now, today’s football players will be saying, ‘Back in my day, we didn’t do all the outlandish stuff these kids are doing. We kept it dignified, with Sharpies and cell pho

59. Sam Wyche, who had his vocal cords accidentally cut during a biopsy and now has trouble yelling across the field during practices, relating what some old players of his had to say: “Why didn’t his happen 20 years ago? I wouldn’t have had to run as many laps.”

60. “Downtown” Julie Brown, prior to the 1993 Super Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills, asked Emmitt Smith: “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

61. Will Allen, then at Syracuse University, upon being introduced to Hall of Famer Lynn Swann and being told that Swann was one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history said: “And what team did you play for?”

62. Paul Tagliabue, NFL Commissioner: “I’m a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling.”

63. John Lynch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety, commenting on the Budweiser beer commercials featuring the me-first football player Leon: “Great commercials during the game. Especially like the Budweiser one with Keyshawn…I mean Leon.”

64. Deion Sanders, on why he doesn’t like the two-week break between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl: “Having two weeks off gives family, friends and the media more time to get on your nerves.”

65. Marvin Lewis, suggesting that coaches should be able to add monikers on players uniforms, like “He Hate Me” during training camp, he suggested the following examples: “He Doesn’t Listen,”; He Jumps Offsides”; and “He Can’t See.”

66. Craig Kilborn, CBS late-night television host, commenting on how crass Janet Jackson’s halftime incident was during Super Bowl XXXVIII: “so crass ad so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation (as to) why they didn’t do it first.”

67. Chad Bratzke, explaining life in the NFL: “The pads don’t keep you from getting hurt. They just keep you from getting killed.”

68. Bret Lewis, Los Angeles radio announcer: “The Philadelphia Eagles signed wide receiver Terrell Owens despite his reputation as a clubhouse cancer. A few days later, the home of the Eagles, Veterans Stadium, implodes. Connect the dots, people.”

69. Tom Arnold, of Fox Sports Net’s Best Damn Sports Show Period, during the “Things you wouldn’t say to…. segment, said this about Warren Sapp: “Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right — they are the dumbest team in America.”

70. Jim Saccomano, Broncos’ media-relations director, talking about how teams manipulate reporters.: “There’s the truth, the whole truth, the perceived truth and then there’s innuendo. Most of the time, (reporters) have been told what’s going on, but sometimes there’s an agenda under it.”

71. Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle reporter, commenting on the announcement that the NFL hopes to put a team in Los Angeles by 2008: “L.A. greeted the news with widespread riots, crazy parties and celebrations, honking and shouting, cares overturned and set afire, and thousands of gunshots fired into the air. Or, maybe that stuff had nothing to do with the NFL announcement.”

72. Bill Simmons, ESPN the Magazine: “I gave it some thought, and here’s what I decided: My favorite Matsui is still Matt Suhey.”

73. Ricky Williams: “I didn’t quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quite football.”

74. William “The Refrigerator” Perry: “I’ve been big ever since I was little.”

75. Rodney Landingham, University of Nevada defensive back, arrested on charges of bank robbery, in a jailhouse interview was quoted as saying: “It would’ve been worth it if I hadn’t gotten caught.”

76. Jack “The Assassin” Tatum, former Raiders defensive back: “I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.”

77. Howie Long, having fun at the expense of Fox colleague Terry Bradshaw: “In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw–Marblehead.”

78. Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson, suggesting that Terry Bradshaw wasn’t very smart: “He’s so dumb, he couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted him the ‘c’ and the ‘a’.”

79. Deion Sanders, commenting on the troubled Randy Moss: “He’s like a beautiful woman who can’t cook, doesn’t want to clean and doesn’t want to take care of the kids. You really don’t want her, but she’s so beautiful that you can’t let her go.”

80. Jay Leno, commenting on the NCAA plans, to reach college athletes, by launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network: “You know what’s sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.”

and the funniest one of all:

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.”

1. Get back behind a desk. Watching grown men try to figure out how to cross their legs, and the below-the-waist fidgeting is distracting to the viewer. He used the desk for years, why change?

2. No wanna-be comedian skits. Jay, my man, are you kidding? It is super nice of you to want to showcase talent, but showcasing almost-talent, is embarrassing. When they come on, I check out CSI and I bet millions other do, too. Painful to watch, truly.

3. The set is too busy. You got more things going on there than the midway at the MN state fair. Simplify it.

4. Use funny segments from other late night shows, like Fallon’s, Conan’s, even Kimmel’s. If George Stanfophfolomos (sp?) can re run funnies on his Sunday morning news show, surely YOU can get permission. They will love the plugs, and it shows how you are the stud at the comedy farm

5. Find different sort of guests, from the business and sports world, other professionals. Give them a day’s training to make them presentable, perhaps a good idea, but I am getting tired of the re treads. The world is full of interesting, witty, quick people…find them. Scout out improv theaters, your people can find their people.

6. Everyday I read funnier stuff on Twitter. I get emails that make me laugh out loud. You must get lots of them too…do something with them. Ever watch YouTube? I bet a segment on what you think was world class funny would make me laugh too.

7. Hire better writers. No ‘fense to the crew you got, but new blood is necessary. Google “Maddox, the bestpage in the universe guy,” and make him your head writer.

8. Travel more. Your man on the street schtick is terrific, but hey, it is still LA. Doing it in Clay Center, KS, would be even more hilarious.

9. Have some interactive stuff…contest submissions of funny bits, a sort of Jay Leno’s American Idol idea, 15 seconds to fame. If you can’t get it on-air, put it on-line. Twitter post of the day, whatever it takes. If it is good, it will help.

10. I am thinking you need a sidekick. I’d volunteer, but I am pretty busy…but I do have the perfect guy: Charles Barkley. Send a plane for him and a Brink’s truck, whatever he wants.

In related news, THE ONION reports today that President Obama won the coveted Nobel Peach Prize…wait, wait, wait….