by Cal, Curmudgeon-at-Large, exclusively for WWDS

tipjar

Used to be, the only ones who got tips from me were waitresses who wore too-tight skirts. Yeah-yeah, 15% for good service, even though most of the time, they threw the shit food at me, nearly. Then, “good” got dumbed down, to mostly OK service; you’ve been there, an always empty water glass, surly looks, and grouchy women who hated to ’serve.’ My kids made me tip more, something about waitresses depending on my tips to “make it.” OK, I thought. My cheap-ass rep.

Then Starbucks came to town. Which, I am here to tell you, I predicted would never catch on. Who would pay $2 for coffee you can get at the office for free? Who knew?

And then, a few years back this mysterious tip jar appeared next to the cash register. It was always half-ful of money, too, and not just dimes and pennies. Dollar bills. The Starbucks girl, ’scuse me my ass, “the barista,” are you F kidding me?, looked like she just came from cheerleader practice and was working because mom and dad thought she should. She is the only waitress who can make a latte and text at the same time. She is making about $15 per hour because mom and dad kick some in, too, I just know it. And then, and then…it is not enough to charge me $5 for a cup of special sauced-up, soy-laced wussy drink that I am even embarrassed to order out loud “hold the umbrella!”…then I am nearly coerced into giving up all my change to that overflowing tip jar. The cute girl is trained to give me the bills back, hold the change as if to say “Mine? or Yours? Mine?” I donate the change, but God knows, it is not a tip.  It’s a bribe cuz I see what they do to your drink behind the counter over there, if they see you NOT tip.

But now, with this economy, I am buying my morning coffee at the SuperHolidayAmerica Store, 99 cents thankyouverymuch. The nice tattooed lady behind the counter is just glad to have a job, and does not expect me to tip HER.  She knows times are tough.

There is no tip jar, but if there were, there’d be slips of paper in there, saying “Hot TIp: JUMPING JACK FLASH” in the Fifth at The Meadowlands.  I could get behind tips like those.