It is a standing joke that I lied to my daughter constantly as she was growing up, like my appendix scar was where the VietCong stabbed me in the side, and I didn’t make the Yankees because Mickey Mantle said my name “Geee-EL” sounded too Mexican for a white guy.

As she goes off to college, I know she has more questions for me, but since she is afraid to ask me directly, I thought I would write some answers down here.

1. When a boy talks to me, what should I believe? In a word, nothing. Don’t trust the little goomba. Trust me, I was a boy, still am when last I checked, even if I now listen to NPR and eat argula.
2. Who should I dress for, my girlfriends or him? Is this a trick question? He does not care if you are wearing purple with green, or whatever. He doesn’t care if your purse matches your belt or your socks. If you spend more than three minutes in front of the mirror, you are ahead. You are lucky if he brushed his teeth, does that tell you anything? Oh, and if he can tell if you have an in-y or an out-y, find something not so tight.
3. From time to time, I notice boys tend to stare at me, does that mean he reallyreally likes me? Ummm, no. Point the little bastards out to me next time.
4. Should I let on that I know quite a bit about sports? Gosh, yes. He will be so happy if he doesn’t have to explain why football fields are ALL 100 yards long yet the distances to the center field fence are all different. Don’t admit you know what “cover two” means or that you know about the infield fly rule…that’s too close to hitting him in the…er, nevermind.
5. Why won’t he call me when he says he will? It’s an old male habit, it started in 1781 when John Adams told Abigail he would write everyday from France. He didn’t because the ships didn’t leave everyday, so why bother? He couldn’t think of anything new to say, anyway…same-same with your little friend.
6. What’s the deal, why does he think he can fart, scratch, spit and swear when I am around, you don’t. Yeah, I used to, until your mom gave me the Wife Obedience Training program video. There is no GirlFriend version, btw. Nagging on him won’t work, either, he has to see the video.
7. When I want to talk about something, he just grunts. Yeah…so?
8. Why does he wear the same t-shirt everyday? Because there is no woman around to tell him not to. I am still getting over your mom throwing out my decades-old football practice t-shirt, just cuz one sleeve was missing.
9. How will I ever understand boys? Listen to country and western music.

10. Maybe I should just ask Mom? Oh, that’ll help.