by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
Those were Dave Barry’s. I have added a few of mine…add yours too…
15. It takes at least twice as much money and twice as long as you think it will.
16. If the sentence starts off with…”we only need 10% of the market,” don’t invest.
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17. You always find it in the last place you look.
18. After the work is done is when the best ideas come out.
19. No one ever gets fired for using the same, old traditional ways. This is why new things are hard to introduce.
20. No one is 15% smarter or dumber than anyone else.
21. The older you get, the more like your dad you become.
22. The world is getting weirder and stranger daily. Zza Zza Gabor’s husband says he is the one who tapped Anna Nicole Smith, and fathered that little girl who now is in line to inherit the old Geezer’s money. Zza Zza is not dead yet, either.
About #17. :
by definition it’s in the last place you look. Why continue searching if you found it?
OJ is right…
Anyway, the list is very good both funny and wise.
+1
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
+1
Murphy had it right: he just didn’t take the idea far enough–if it can go wrong, it will and in unforeseen ways that are not ever ever in the instruction manual, MLA Handbook, Chilton’s, or whatever applies to your particular field of idiocy.
It’s okay to tell another girl you think likes you that you have a girlfriend, girls are very competitive.
23. The nights in which you cannot remember tend to be the least defining of you life/character. Therefore, do not participate in whiskey drinking competitions in foreign countries when you cannot hold your alcohol. You will not remember what happened, and you will, inevitably, wake up two days later in Belgium covered in Chocolate.
One week after you throw it out you will find a use for it.
23. If something can go wrong, it will.
24. People who love you are more important than people whom you love.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/16things.asp
Not exactly by Dave Barry…
Some from mine:
- Money doesn’t grow on trees.
- Stop playing with your food, don’t you know people in Africa are starving now?
Anyone who insists on absolute honesty will lie to you.
Renter’s insurance costs less than replacing all your stuff.
A water filter costs less than bottled water.
Never turn down a job if you don’t have one. It doesn’t matter how little it may pay; it’s more than you’re making now.
No, that break job can’t wait.
Never pack a tube of toothpaste in a shoe.
Backup before upgrade. Save before export.
When the rug goes away, stand on the floor.
If someone says they can’t live without you, it’s because they are a vampire.
Anyone who says they’re good, but not nice, isn’t very good, either.
Friends may come and go, but your family will be a better bet when you need a kidney, a piece of liver, or some bone marrow. Try to stay on their good side.
Cindy (The 15 Minute Dating Blog) Says:
June 27th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Some from mine:
- Money doesn’t grow on trees.
(That saying is unoriginal and boring)
- Stop playing with your food, don’t you know people in Africa are starving now?
(Answer to that would be with another question, “Didn’t you know people in Africa refused tons of donated crops (provided by Norman Borlaug who saved over a billion people from starvation since the 50’s) all because green peace hippies lazily dropped flyers saying that genetically engineered foods aren’t suitable for consumption even though they actually are the most rigorously tested and safe?
- The fickleness of the women you love will always be exceeded by the devotion of those who love you.
Do it anyway. The truth is… no one CARES if it doesn’t directly involve them.
Your lane is always the slowest. If you switch lanes, they will adjust themselves accordingly.
…we have daylight savings time because back after the great depressionthe made it go an hour forward so there were more lit working hours cause noone wants to get up at 4 or 5
..yea random factoid
Never get arrested in a country where English is not the national language.
To Marc:
More accurately:
Never get arrested in a country where you do not know the national language.
When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you’ve got plenty to watch!
Or how about- never get arrested!
@ Adam:
Daylight savings WAS a result of the great depression, but the reason was actually energy conservation.
an important one that i will always remember, when hustling at pool for money / drinks, always let the opponent win some games, and be a humble winner… learned that the hard way
-THe only honet advice worth taking from anyone is—”don’t take my advice”
*Remember-If your wife/girlfriend/female in general asks you….”Do I look fat?”, DO NOT answer. There is no right way to answer this question, it is a trap!!!!
*’Wherever you’re at, there you are!!’
My personal favourite:
“Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency
on my part”
If someone say “Love can’t be bought” then he just dosn’t know where to buy
yeah i lvoe the list, especially this first 14
You will allwais need the the phone number of a particular person one week after u deleted it from youre cell phone
maybe..
It’s better to pick your nose than look cool.
Nuggets from My old man
RTFM.
Measure it twice cut it once.
” You’ll have more fun when you are 25 ”
Watch out for the hairy thing in the toilet
Never pee into the wind.
When I was young we had to walk 15 miles uphill to school in our barefeet,
We didn’t have 4 walls in our house.
Jam jars don’t talk to be about jam jars in my day….
“It’s only rock and roll”
Never break wind in an empty lift – you never know who’s going to get in on the next floor.
Fashion can be bought, style is priceless.
wwds – this is the best out of the ones given here
19. No one ever gets fired for using the same, old traditional ways. This is why new things are hard to introduce.
so true.
-If you have had diarrhea frequently over the past 20 minutes, do not try and walk to the kitchen to get some pepto-bismol. It happened to me and it stunk literally.
[...] clipped from blogs.jobdig.com [...]
“That which does not kill us only makes us wish we were dead.”
-When invited to a wedding, be on your best behavior. And I mean Emily Post/Amy Vanderbilt best behavior. (read their books before you go). If not, the bride & groom MIGHT forgive you if they’re friends, but the parents/relatives will remember, and despise, you forever (this is their daughter or son, and they’re not paying thousands to have you ruin the event).
This is especially true if you are the Maid of Honour, or the Best Man. Make sure you know EXACTLY what is expected of you, and do it beyond expectation.
I know this because five years later my wife brings into every discussion about family that she resents my sister because sis did not fulfill any of her duties as Maid of Honour at our wedding. Don’t let this happen because of you.
Never reply to that important email immediately. Take time to think first.
True friends are the ones you can count on one hand. You are truly blessed if you have 10.
If a man is driving and runs over a woman, it is always the man’s fault for he should not have been driving in the kitchen.
My father’s favorite remark was “Never say never.”
“IF THEY’LL LIE TO YA, THEY’LL STEAL FROM YA!”
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
As I understand it, daylight savings was implemented during the great depression with the premise that Americans would use less electricity, on average, simply because the clock was rolled back during the winter months. Is it true? How the hell should I know? Ask some guy who works at a power plant.
“The most important things in life aren’t things.”
I was raised by a single Mom— no Dad— But here’s some of hers
Being right and being popular don’t always go hand in hand
College IS easier in your twenties
You can go back, but it’ll never be the same
Let the baby explore–it’s all just stuff
Even if you don’t believe in God, He believes in you
They don’t HAVE to have the newest toys–they DO HAVE to have your love
The President has it easy compared to a mother
What you do and say does affect your children
they might not pay attention but they hear you anyway
To: QueenMary50
“True friends are the ones you can count on one hand. You are truly blessed if you have 10.”
V. funny, like you’d feel blessed if you had 10 fingers on one hand! Love it!
x
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