Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~”Lillian, you should  have remained a virgin.”
 – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
 – Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
 – George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
 – Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
 – Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
 – Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 – Groucho  Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
 – Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
 – Rodney Dangerfield

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